Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, something can always hold you back from moving on. A lingering memory, a false hope and you fall back a few steps, but if you can be strong you will finally make it out.

Even the strong cry,
when no one’s looking
we try not to be scared on the outside,
but I know that there’s strength from the fall,
it’s not weak, to be weak at all.

behind these eyes,
a world is hiding.

02:17AM

sudden realisation that I'm growing up a little too quickly
sudden realisation that looking back isn't a good idea after all
sudden realisation that what happened, happened for a reason
sudden realisation that whatever will be, will be
sudden realisation that less is really more
sudden realisation that I don't know where I'm going
sudden realisation that I don't even know how I really feel

Everyone knows, but not what to say

I cannot fill your unfillable void. 

Another semester flew by in the blink of an eye and here we are, welcoming summer with open arms. Time in university passes by so quickly that to be honest... I'm a little afraid of what the future holds and where the future will take me, yet at the same time I can't help but feel the blood pumping through my veins, the adrenaline rush within me: I am excited for the various events that are about to take place, very soon. In the midst of recovery from a rather serious case of an allergic reaction, I've also been spending lots of time at home (practically every day) doing absolutely nothing productive while at the same time, trying to keep healthy and slowly building up my immune system all over again. 

A week ago, I moved out of hall. Fortunately, and thankfully, it wasn't my last time moving out of hall because I get to stay in this lovely place for another year. I am only grateful to the people who have helped me as well as for the opportunities given to me. I'm not gonna lie: it was crazy trying to pack up everything in one night. Exhausting, in fact. Yet I had so much reminiscent feels as I went through all my stuff while packing up. From encouragement notes I received during bad times to the letters and gifts I received (yes, I am a very sentimental person), I can only say I am really, just so thankful to the people whom I've crossed paths with in university, and in hall. I've met so many people, forged some really treasured friendships, yet at the same time lost some toxic ones. Yet, again, this whole process of gaining and losing only made me discover so much about myself, but many times I found myself drifting in and out of confusion: who exactly am I; where exactly am I, at this juncture in my life? 

Back home again for three whole months, before I move back into hall again for the new academic year. It feels great to be back, in the comfort of home once again. Some things need to settle down. I need to settle down. My mind is a mess; my heart is a flounder. I don't know where to go from here. Just taking baby steps... one step at a time. It is, however, comforting that while I may not know where to go or what to do, I am certain of who I want in my life, and who I don't need. I am pretty darn sure who I want and need in my life and I reckon after so many incidents and hurting, I'm done differentiating between people who are worth it, and people who aren't. 

If you'd look at university life from my perspective, you would probably think it's rather strange how the academic year starts in the second half of the year. Which also means that the same academic year ends during the first half of the following year. To me starting a year in the middle of a year somehow feels like I'm given a second chance, a second shot at my new year's resolutions that I haven't fulfilled thus far. That is the wonder of it, certainly? 

And after all that I've written I still can't comprehend my attempt to fill this empty space. My thoughts tend to sound better in books I didn't write, and in the songs I didn't sing. Even then, sometimes there is no piece of literature, no song, no work of art that can really explain the way you feel. There is a double-edged comfort in knowing... that no one really knows after all. 

You cannot fill my unfillable void. 

Elusive

Once, you took the love language test, and found out that quality time was your top love language. Second in line was words of affirmation. You can't recall what followed after - you try and try, but it is an elusive thought - then again, do they even matter, anyway. 

But what happens when you don't get either? What happens when you don't get to have quality time yet you also know it's not something you should be complaining about, since it's not beyond anyone's means to make the decision? Next you look at second best. What if you don't get it too? What happens when you don't get it yet, again, you know that it's not something you should be complaining about as well, since not everyone shows their love through the same way as you? Words may be of utmost importance to you. You absolutely adore encouragement and moral support from everyone and anyone (I mean, who doesn't?), especially the ones you hold dearly to my heart. You constantly strive to give these people you care most about all the encouragement that all of you can provide them with, hoping that in return, perhaps you might get some, too. But what if - what if you don't? Even if it is unconditional love you are talking about... don't you want to feel loved, too? 

You are doing well. Amidst all of the things you have on hand, occasionally you may want to listen to someone encourage you, motivate you, push you on. It is normal. It is very normal. There is nothing wrong with wanting that. You are only human. But you are doing well. At least that is what you choose to believe. All is well. And all will be well, as long as you tell yourself that. 

What about quality time, what about affirmative words? Heck them, you don't need them to be whole. You can spend quality time alone, you can give yourself words of affirmation to press on. You... are doing well. And that is what you choose to believe in, for as long as you can. 

I finally realise nothing is coming out of this. I keep landing in the same situation, the same scenario, the same outcome... time and again, no matter what I do. Each time I did what I could to make it work out, but it always stopped at the same end. It is more than enough evidence that this is the end, isn't it? I can keep pressing on but how far more can I go? It is only a matter of time before it sinks in that there's nothing further to go.

What am I going to do with this complete disentanglement.

Que sera, sera

Lately I've been feeling pretty down. It comes and goes, strangely. I keep looking at the two sides of this situation, both the good, and the bad. When I think of the good it makes me feel assured at least that finally I'll be able to spend more time with my family but when it comes to the bad.... it's just so, so bad. There's so much bad that it overwhelms the good that I don't even know how to look at this anymore.

It's such a bad start to the week and it's just a bad time for everything but hey, for a pessimist, I'm pretty optimistic. Midterms aren't over until this week, and I've barely started. I need to focus! Please let this week be over already. I'm just looking forward to the weekends again so I can forget about everything else; no responsibilities, no nothing. 

Halfway there

As I'm typing this, I'm back in hall in my own room, feeling so much yet so little at the same time.

Recess week, indubitably, was what I needed. A short break would do me good, I thought. Yet somehow, for some inexplicable reason, after a week, I still don't feel recharged at all. It's Sunday night and as I was on my way back to hall earlier on, I had this sudden feeling overwhelm me. I felt like I wasn't ready for the second half of the semester to commence. It's the last stretch of my Year 1 journey yet I don't actually want to be done with it. In fact, it scares me that time in university is passing by so quickly. In another 7 weeks' time, I'll be officially done with my first year.

Yet I can't wait for summer. I am looking forward to it with so much anticipation. Three months break - maybe that's what I need most, maybe that is what that's best for me.

The first half of the semester has been as stressful and exhausting as it could possibly get, so really.. I can only imagine what the second half has in store for me. Especially with all the group project submissions, individual assignment submissions, catching up on all my readings and school work, sports camp ocomm meetings and planning, and all the other external commitments... the list never ends.

But I remember challenging myself at the start of the new semester just 2 months ago that I got this, and I will start and end the semester well. Or at least give it my all so that I can look back and know that I gave all that I had, so I wouldn't have any regrets. And I suppose, despite all the hectic schedules and busy days that I will go through in the near future, these are also the days that I'll always remember at the end of my university life. A sense of fulfillment.

This is also possibly my last 7 weeks in hall since I might not be able to stay on. Sometimes I wished I hadn't placed myself in such a situation when I can't choose whether I want to stay on or not by being just a bit more actively involved in the activities held but oh well I guess it's too late to cry over spilled milk anyway. Right now, I'm just praying fervently for the best and lets say even if things don't turn out the way I want them to, well, at least I had a good time while these memories lasted.

Lets go, summer is waiting.

Privilege

One of the best posts I've read in 2016 was this:

http://www.upworthy.com/a-short-comic-gives-the-simplest-most-perfect-explanation-of-privilege-ive-ever-seen?c=ufb1

It almost sounds pretentious if I were to say that I've spent my entire life trying to understand privilege, because I haven't even turned 21 and 1/2 of my life thus far was basically me trying to get through puberty. So how is that even possible? But truth be told, I do feel like I've spent my entire life trying to pinpoint what it is exactly. From looking at the people around me and learning from them every other day, to appreciating it myself, to today. I'm still trying to understand it.

I remember when I was young I used to look at some of friends in envy whenever I see them possessing certain tangible items that I could never have owned then. Even as the years passed by and I grew older along the way, this phase did not actually go away. Once in a while I still experience the same thing. Even now. I've always wondered why even though we were ultimately rather similar people, we have vastly different experiences and we never got the same chances in life.

Tonight, I had an epiphany. I finally understood that ultimately, though people are all pretty similar wherever you go, we just don't all have the same chances in life. 

It all just makes complete sense to me now.

I always thought I understood that statement, but now I realise how much I did not understand it at all. Maybe in my head it was always, "Life is just unfair like that." Why? Because for the longest time, I thought life should be fair.

But you know what. Nothing in life is free, nothing in life comes easy. It's supposed to be this way. We work hard for what we want; with hard work, we achieve success. Some people have it easier, because of their backgrounds. Because wanting to achieve a taste of success means having to take control of our lives and work towards what we want to achieve, and although I've always believed that, tonight that belief has solidified.

That goes the same for love. Nothing worth having is ever easy. Relationships are hard work, but maybe love is, too. It's supposed to be this way. Because love is a choice, and while I've also always believed that, tonight, that belief has solidified. You can love someone, but you can dislike them on some days. You can love someone, and not feel happy on some days. You can love someone and feel disconnected from them. Love conquers all, but it shouldn't consume all the other equally important things that make up a relationship. Love is hard work because it needs these other things - constant reevaluating, constant communication, constant effort, the constant decision to choose it, to keep it alive.

But I digress.

There are many places I've dreamed of going from a young age but have never been to, and probably won't anytime soon. There are many things I've wanted to do from a long time ago but have never actually done it, and probably won't anytime soon. There are many tangible items I've wanted to have from a long time ago but have never gotten hold of them, and probably won't anytime soon.

I always thought that life is just not the same for everyone. And it's true.

Because while life may be better for some people compared to me, I often neglect the notion that someone may be having it worse than me.

Even with hard work and other factors (some of which are beyond our control), we may not achieve success, at least not so soon as compared to some others who may get there before we do.

What really captured my attention in the post was this:
"I'm not trying to say I'm against the idea that if we work hard, we succeed," he said. "I would like to think that is true, for the most part, but I just think people often forget or don't realise that our starting points, or our paths to success, aren't all even. Some people have to overcome more obstacles in the path to succeeding than others." That this isn't about anyone needing to feel bad or guilty for the privileges that they have, but rather it's about honesty and understanding - because maybe that's what could lead us to a better place.

Ditto. That alone answers it all. If everyone in the world appreciated what they have and didn't wallow in self-pity for what they can't have, wouldn't the world be a better place for all? I'm in no position to make this critical remark, because I'm guilty of being one of those people at certain points in my life. But tonight this post has impacted me tremendously (positively, of course) and now I just feel embarrassed for having been like that during those times when I did.

Whatever we have, we appreciate, even if we don't actually need it. Whatever we don't have, but need or want it, we work for it, through honest ways. Whatever we can't have, we just have to accept it, because at the end of the day life isn't the same for everyone and we just don't all have the same chances in life.

Privilege; a simple word packed with so much meaning. I finally understand.

Yet again

I haven't felt home sick in a long time but here I am feeling it yet again; only three days into the new semester, only three days into moving back to hall.

Catharsis

"It's hard to describe what it felt like to get a second chance at first love. But the main thing I can tell you is that it wasn't dirty, like me hitting on a kid in a bar, and it wasn't beautiful, like I'd found my way into my own personal heaven.  

It was raw. It was honest.  

It was carthartic." 

 

"There are a lot of times in life when you're not going to know what to do. We never outgrow that. What you need to remember is that, at those times especially, you need to slow down and just put one foot in front of the other. There's no faster route to madness than to try and take everything in at once and figure out your whole path in life from one blind vantage point." 

 

"You need to have the tools inside of you to take care of yourself no matter what. Not alcohol, not sedatives - none of that stuff offers anything more than a temporary solution that ricochets back harder later. I spent a good portion of my life dealing with anxiety the wrong way, as you have pointed out. And in the end that resulted in a price I've had no choice but to pay. If you take nothing forward from here, take that: You have everything you need inside you. You are Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz, you know? You already have everything you need." 

Three tiny collective parts of the book I am in the midst of finishing; I indubitably call my favourite. It feels like the author wrote it for me. This book is a means of catharsis for me. Now I know I'll never go wrong seeking solace in books. Times like this - remind me again why I'm so in love with this especially beautiful art called Literature? I'm thankful for it every day.

2016

2 days into the new year and things aren't exactly going as well as I'd planned YET (positivity yes), but I know things can only get better from here. 2015 had been one hell of a year, I really liked it a lot albeit the many ups and downs. It was an extreme roller coaster ride for me but I have to say, the view was always splendid on the top of the world. Who wouldn't agree that it's these ups and downs per se that are the most memorable - that with each year that passes by, when we look back on the year that has passed by, these memories tug at our heartstrings?

2015, you've been a wonderful year. From finishing As after 3 rather fruitful years spent in jc to working as a student care teacher for the bulk of my 8 months long holiday before university started. Sports camp, hall camp, arts orientation week. Then came the moving into hall with JY's help, settling in into hall life, attending my first lecture and tutorial in NUS, going for sports trials, signing up for Biz Comm and many many more........ I'd say it'd been a really fulfilling year though I hadn't actually achieved anything worth mentioning.

But come 2016, with my list of new year resolutions (that I haven't even started on omg lol procrastination at its best it's already the 3rd day of the new year) I'll do better. "New year new me" is so cliched come to think of it but it's actually pretty appropriate in my situation. I can't wait to see all that's in store for me unfold. It will be a great year, I believe, with many little new beginnings this year, not just for me, but for the people around me as well. For one, JY is finally going to finish his national service in ~9months' time, and it's very likely that he will be starting school this August too. I'm so psyched for all our little beginnings and I'm completely in love with the idea of watching him completing a phase in his life that has been thus far, a tiring yet fulfilling one in many little ways, and watching him enter yet another phase in his life. Baby steps, we're all getting there, and growing and maturing a little more each day.

Starting the new semester in exactly one week's time and I really don't feel ready at all. Moving back to hall again after being back at home for a month makes me a little sad because I really love coming back to the coziness and warmth of this place I call home. And with IHG just round the corner, this entire week I'll be back in school nearly every single day for touch and netball trainings. I can't wait to have IHG over and done with so I can concentrate fully on what I've set out to do this upcoming semester. It's going to be a good semester and I'll end year 1 well. I can't wait to see what I am capable of doing.