Anything else is a better idea

There are so many things I want to do at this very moment but there's only one thing that I should be doing. What else but study. As if having a paper on a Saturday wasn't bad enough, I'm not being productive YET AGAIN. Four papers left to conquer but my level of preparation is zero literally zero I can't even begin to comprehend how and why but yes I'm this unprepared I'm horrible I'm going to do so badly for my finals. There there, negativity comes pouring in again, but heck it tonight's just another night that I'm not quite strong enough AGAIN. 

Though I think it's pretty funny how while I seem like I'm typing this entire post with so much rage and frustration, I'm actually just giving a straight face. Inside me I'm just like AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I really need to get it out of my chest. I wish I could go somewhere quiet and peaceful and lie down and just forget the world for a while. Why do I have to have responsibilities. Why?????????????????????? I don't get it I'm only human I'm only 20 there should be so much more in life for me to do besides studying so why am I studying??? Is it even worth it spending at least 1/4 of your entire life on education I don't know 

I feel like a rolling ball of stress and frustration and rage 

I need to distress so bad. I need to play touch, I want to play touch. I miss girls league '14, I miss the feeling of scoring and assisting tries, the rush running through my veins, the triumphant feeling that nothing can ever replace, the victory that stays with me forever. I miss the feeling of actually feeling like your hard work has paid off, all the blood, sweat and tears haven't been in vain. I miss the feeling of realising that if you truly believe in yourself you can make just anything happen. I miss the feeling of realising that when you want to do something regardless of its difficulty you will still try to make it happen with all of your heart and soul. I miss the feeling of being motivated, being pressured, because right now, all I feel is practically nothing. And anything else is a better idea. 

I miss my student care kids. Helping them with their school work and assessments, testing them spelling, bringing them outdoors and whatnot. Lecturing them when they are in the wrong, trying to get them to shower quickly, and most importantly, watching them grow up slowly. The time spent with them surely wasn't long but it was probably the period where I learnt the most and actually had something to look forward to in life, because these kids, so genuine and innocent, they make me so happy, and safe to be around them. Even though they have their annoying and disrespectful moments ultimately I still remember the best sides of them and the best times with them. I wonder how their final year exams went, whether they are enjoying their school holidays now. Whether they actually think of me at times and remember that I was their student care teacher for a period of time, albeit temporarily. I wish I could dump my responsibilities and just be with them, because anything else is a better idea.

It's such a nostalgic night and as I scroll through my timeline of photos, I realised just how much I've been missing. 

If only I had a time machine so I could rewind time to go through everything again, and fast forward time to get through this period -

because anything else is a better idea.