Weak

Today I'm just not strong enough.

It's only been a day since I've gone back to hall, and now I'm home again. I suppose exams do actually make people go mad and do the craziest things, like, deciding to go home at 9.15pm in the midst of studying. It's literally travelling from the west to the east. I don't even know how it happened, but it just did. I thought I was strong enough to hang in there till next Friday but recently I've been overwhelmed with so much negativity I couldn't take it myself. In hall, all I get are negative vibes, not from the people, but just in general. It doesn't make me feel happy, or at least.. like I could spend nights there and feel alright about it. I guess it's the exam stress getting to me. And maybe, there could be external factors, but I really can't figure out what it really is. Or what they really are. It's just that all of a sudden, I felt like I had to go home. I wanted to go home. The urge to go home was so strong, so overwhelming. So I packed my bags and I left for home.

I guess I could say that it was a really rash decision, because it's pretty stupid of me to do that... since I'll have to go back to hall again tomorrow, for a paper on Saturday. Well I can spend another night at home, but it would be too rush for me to wake up on a Saturday morning and travel down to NUS for an (early) afternoon paper. But in that moment, I felt so happy. I did feel happy leaving hall. I wanted to be back home, to see my family, to at least do something for my father since I couldn't spend his birthday with him on its actual date due to biz comm stuff. I rushed to Vivo City and tried to get a fruit tart from Fruit Paradise Cafe because he really likes the fruit tarts (and it's healthier as compared to those pastries and cakes) but I was too late, the shop was closing. So I had no choice but to go to BreadTalk, and get a small cake for him. I was lucky enough to get a seat on the crowded train, because I was carrying two bags and my laptop, plus the cake. Thankfully I reached home pretty quickly, considering how far my home is from campus.

Nothing feels better than home. Nothing, really. If there's anything that I've learnt from staying in hall, it's that family really matters so much. I guess it's partially because I'm a very family-oriented person, so it's quite a must for me to go back home at least, once every week. I remember how I was really sad at the beginning when I first moved in, being away from home, not having my mom's home cooked food - but I got over those long ago. I still miss my family a lot, but it gets better. Just that today, it really isn't/wasn't my day. I felt so sad, stressed, and sian and I don't even know why. I wished I knew... but I think, I think, that it's partly also because I realised that as much as I am really glad that JY is finally coming home really soon, the next 11 days or so are going to be the longest 11 days of the entire time that he's gone, because of finals, and all that stressful mugging. Or rather, 9 days, since my last paper is on the 27th. I'm so unprepared, and I'm dreading everything that's going to take place in the course of the next one week. The last time I felt this way, this stressed, was this time, last year, during As. It was the darkest period of my life I would say, and it was probably the worst time of my life - I swore no matter how my grades turned out, I would never retake As. It's the toughest time of any college student's life I believe. And now, 8 months later here I am in university, facing the same issues again. University isn't that hard? I guess it's really just a generic statement. Uni life sure it is fun and less stressful but when the exams come it's like your entire A levels syllabus in 13 weeks. It's crazy. I can't wait for this phase to be over.

November has been one hell of a roller coaster ride, though most of the time I felt like I was just going down, down, down. But there's a saying that when you hit rock bottom, the only way to go is up. I'm desperately seeking positive vibes right now, it sounds so pathetic but I really hope to get through the next one week. When November is over, hell month is over, December will be here! And also, JY will be back. Another thing to look forward to. I can't wait, really.